Insight #236 -- New Moon

As my 16 blog followers may know, last year I made several New Year's Resolutions. #10 being: "Get every unmarried acquaintance I know, married during 2009!!! All of them!"

I can assure you that with good faith I have endeavored (through multiple means and various avenues and sometimes flatout bribery) to accomplish this goal with no success WHAT. SO. EVER.

However, I came to an important realization today.

But first, I have a very important warning concerning a worrisome topic that, unfortunately is very much on everyone (whose well-read) minds these days: vampire safety. I am talking about vampires exercising caution here, obviously mere humans have no need for alarm from vampires in sunny Arizona. However, with certain movie premiers on the horizon, I feel that vampires, (who were last year, the coolest thing going), are going to be seen in a different light, and may get some bad press. And with this turn of public favor, my unmarried friends may feel license to act in a manner that may be both unseemly and unmatronly.

So back to my New Year's Resolution-- (are you still with me?)-- It's just that these unmarried friends (who shall remain nameless) are (or appear to be) obsessed with vampires. At first, this seemed normal to me, but now I am beginning to wonder . . . about this obsession . . . something is not right here . . . .

Just follow me while I think this out . . . werewolves cannot be lined-up, right? It wouldn't work, right? They imprint, right? It's an inherent part of their nature. No amount of dating, coaxing or otherwise pushing will make one werewolf like another werewolf, right? They imprint. This imprinting is unpredictable and totally random in nature. Thus, realization #236: ALL my friends are werewolves. ALL OF THEM!

This would not only explain my zero success rate with line-ups, but also the fact that they are obsessed with vampires. I had always assumed this obsession to be a wishful one, but now I think it's may be a vengeful one. Are they trying to sluice out vampires by constantly delinating all the great qualities of vampires? Is that what is going on here? Do they want me to rat out my vampire friends so the headhunting can begin? I can't sleep nights thinking about it. But I have no one to tell. Who would believe me?

This could be chapter 6 of book #2 in a best-selling series. But, as you can see, my diligence in writing is not that high and so I would never actually write chapters 1-5. Or Book #1. But I would definitely go see the movie.

Arch-Nemesis Please Apply

Well, after hours of "deep and profound brain thingys" (my fav quote from King Julien--which, by the way, I did accomplish goal #3--we're even Facebook friends--IM each other a lot) anyway, I've been thinking about why I never have anything to post on this blog. And, I've come to this conclusion: because I don't have an arch-nemesis.

It seems like your life gets really dramatic and exciting when you have one. Apparently having a side-kick doesn't catapault you into hero-ism. Because I've got a couple of sidekicks (with actually really cool monikers: Big Ash, Krista Flista, Breba, Shipples, etc.,--who all have uncanny talents and twisted abilities) and so far, we've had just a few smatterings of escapades, but I wouldn't really classify them as superhero-type-adventures. However, when you've got an arch-enemy, WOW!! your life is so fraught with danger and general suspense ALL THE TIME.

I thought I had acquired an arch-nemesis last year around this time, but it just never turned into the witty repartee and under-handed devilry for which I would need to marshall an arsenal of bizarre extra-terrestrial powers. Or at least employ uncanny forensic skills and martial arts.

So . . . how does one go about discovering his/her arch-nemesis? Well, I have no idea--even after thinking about it for 5 full minutes . . . still . . . nothing. And, Cheryl, that's why postings to this blog are infrequent and unexciting.
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P.S. If there's anyone out there who has a conspiracy to take over the world, it would help if they would let me know so I could complicate my life a little with the dual secret identity and costumed-crimefighter persona, thus creating reading material for Cheryl.

WHY I'LL BE MIA FOR A WHILE

For those not of the tennis world, you are probably completely unaware that the French Open is beginning on Sunday. You know, the one kind of named after me: Roland Garros. So, just FYI for the next two weeks I will be spending many hours watching Roger Federer. I know everyone thinks he is a has-been, and that Rafa is going to annihilate him, but I am still holding out hope. Maybe Roger has an answer for high-spinning backhands now. Maybe.

And, of course, watching tennis makes me want to play tennis. So I'll be at Paseo in between match analysis. And, for some reason, more than Wimbledon and the US Open, this tournament always makes me wish I still had the tennis magazine. This is the one major tournament I really wanted to get a media pass to.

If you've never attended a sports event with a media pass, you just have no idea how amazingly awesome it is. So awesome. They feed you and you get to meet all the players and go into the photo pit and attend exclusive parties. And you get free little things left in your room; and invited to do things you don't even know exists if you're an average-paying customer. And people want to meet you. And everyone treats you like you are a genius--just because you can put some words on a page.

Well, that was my past life, and I'm nearly reconciled to the one I lead now. Nearly. Almost.

Why Math is Important

It has recently come to my attention that some members of the blogging community have slipped in their math/logic skills, thus putting them at both social and medical risk. I guess people think math is just for college assignments, but it can also be used in real-life situations:

For instance: It is considered tasteless (and risky) to take someone who is on a 10-day colon cleanse to a shooting range. To illustrate: Sneezing, for example, can spread 100,000 bacterium across 100 feet at speeds of 100-300 mph. This is a Wikipedia factoid. Compare this to the human colon which is roughly 42 times the length of the nasal passage. That's a simple multiplication problem.

Borrowing a friend's .22 scope, then claiming to have 'bad eyesight and a shaky wrist' as reasons for low bullet-to-bullseye ratio, when quite obviously minutia adjustments in the trajectory path, using a ballast, can diminish, if not negate, all eye/hand problems. Just basic geometry.

And last, but not least, it is important to remember the dimensions and magnitude of a posted blog. As blogs are basically a universal speakerphone, which means there may be people viewing your site which you had not intended to know you went shooting yesterday without inviting them. The equation for this is: Friend - shooting invitation= ?? (well you do the math).

New Year's Resolutions

I usually only keep my New Year's Resolutions for a few days or even hours, so this year I am posting them so that I can have the support and determination to complete them--with your gentle reminders and encouragement, of course. Most of these I have committed to do every year, for several years, but this year (2009) IS the year! Because I've learned something--if you want to accomplish a goal--tell someone else and then THEY become responsible for YOU completing it--takes all the pressure off. So this year I resolve to:

1. Grow an extra toe. (I know it's possible and I'm fully willing to be a medical science project, however, even though I know LOTS of medical students who probably have to do medical research to graduate, I am fully prepared to just figure this out on my own--how hard can it be?)
2. Teach our dog, Forrest, to sing. . . . or maybe just sit . . . should a dog know how to do that after 9 years? I've been meaning to get to this one for a while. Obviously we should not be home-schooling our children.
3. Get a new best friend who is exactly like King Julien on "Madagascar". I totally get him.
4. Yo-yo back and forth between planning huge projects and buying supplies for those projects, but never actually completing those projects. (This seems like a real win-win goal to me: If I complete a project, great! if not, then I have completed this goal. Win-win.)
5. Read the scriptures at least once a week, preferably during Sunday School. (just because I'm trying to dovetail my time, and I've got to simplify somewhere).
6. Squeeze out, and set aside, dabs of toothpaste to use during rushed mornings. (This has an obvious connection to my hidden-agenda goal of: sleep-in everyday as late as possible.)
7. Play tennis three times a week regardless of church obligations, children's illnesses, lack of money, shoddy institute lesson prep or natural disasters. Also watch every minute of The Australian Open, The French Open, Wimbledon and the US Open. Talk incessantly about great shots of the day to anyone who will listen. Force husband, children and anyone who comes to our house during these times to watch over and over again Roger Federer's amazing shot production and point crafting. Allow no one else to express an opinion.
8. Get the Denise Austin core ab workout. (check-- I've already completed that part--it was a Christmas present) . Commit to work out everyday. Stick to it for a while, then rapidly lose interest and just decide to (hidden-agenda goal #2)--buy lots of new clothes. And, everyone knows, the best sales are in January.
9. Waste inordinate amounts of time blogging. This posting is just a small sample of 'the deep and profound brain-thingys' (that's a quote from King Julien) that will be spewing forth on a regular basis.
10. Get every unmarried acquaintance I know, married during 2009!!! All of them! (see Goal #4).
11. Design a personal logo, make t-shirts, coffee mugs, bumperstickers, etc., advertisting me--and just generally raising public awareness that I exist.
12. Of course, I will watch the Jane Austen videos over and over again this year, but I think I will focus more on acquiring the traits I admire so much in these characters: Mr. Collin's conversation skills; Mrs. Bennet's social graces, Lady Catherine de Bourg's musical talents; Mr. Wickham's financial acumen; etc.,

Also I should mention that constantly asking me about how my goals are going adds undue stress to me, so if you could encourage me without actually asking about these, that would really help me. If you pay attention, it should be obvious which goals I'm actually achieving and then you could throw a huge congratulatory party for me in say . . . mid January?

Life Adventure #82

Due to the large amount of interest in my voice recital (okay ONE person has asked), but that's all the interest I need. And, also because this probably really will be a once-in-a-lifetime event. I am posting the recital information.

Tuesday, December 16th
7:00 pm
Forum at Desert Harbor
13840 N. Desert Harbor Dr.
623.972.0995

I will be the person singing who is not Christine. Yes, there is only two of us, so you better get there on time or you will miss the entire performance. (Well, I guess there are some piano students too, but the singers--just Rowlans).

Also, just FYI, my Life Adventure #82 states: "Take voice lessons and sing a solo", note that it does not specifically mention a public performance, and it certainly DOES NOT mention a certain quality level for that solo. This is to curb your high expectations. I've learned that sometimes life adventures don't quite turn out how you fantasize they will, and I think this may be a glaring illustration of that.

Arenas, Lockers and Limpers

Well, I haven't posted anything in 2 weeks, because, frankly, nothing has really happened in 2 weeks--I mean nothing of a physical--this-worldly nature. But, ethereally-world, there has been a lot going on with me. I've noticed that no one else posts their freaky dreams, but I'm afraid, that in order to fully appreciate my secret life, you're going to have to be exposed to some dream material. It also explains why I wake up every morning pretty dang tired and want to nap almost immediately.

Okay, I am in a huge stadium, like a football stadium and I am supposed to be finding someone. It's super important that I find this person. I keep going from person to person asking if they've seen this lost person, but I can't remember his/her name. Everyone says to me: "who? who are you looking for?" (I know that at this point is a good time in the dream to shoot off a snappy comeback, unfortunately, my dream self never feels that snappy comebacks are called for in the dire circumstances we always share. So instead my stomach just gets tighter and I keep looking). About this time, I am suddenly standing by my high school locker. I know I am supposed to be opening it, but cannot remember the combination. I have a test, an important test--and I've forgotten the locker combination. I keep twisting it and twisting it, but no numbers come to my mind. I'm going to miss the test! Then I see, coming down the hallway (yes, it's Wasatch High School north hallway), I see this guy who is coming towards me and dragging his leg reeeaaaal sloooooow, but I can't see his face. (This is a perfect example of why we need the legitimate constitutional right to bear machine guns. Because its obvious I'm going to have to put a lot of lead into the air to bring this guy down.) Unfortunately, my ethereal-self has no gun, and the only thing handy is coin/change maker--the kind that hang off your belt and drop coins into your hand. (yes, I know! where did that come from? Nevertheless my subconscious has put it there and so there it is.) Of course everyone knows that coin/change maker things make horrible weapons--they're too blunt and jam easily, plus they are kind of belted to you, so it's hard to manuever someone close enough to your hip to really cause fatal damage. That's why, I break out in a cold sweat and also because at this point my feet have become suction-cupped to the floor. I can't move! At all! And at the height of anxiety--I'm lost, I'm late, I'm a sitting duck--I wake up.
Fortunately, I have "The Complete Book of Dreams and Dreaming" so I can interpret this dream. There wasn't an entry for football stadium, but this what it says about ARENA: You are developing a new focus of attention, or an area of conflict. LOST ITEM: The search for a lost item epitomises the search for enlightenment. Of course no entry for locker, but there is for LOCKED: To find something locked suggests that someplace we thought of as a sanctuary is no longer available to us. (well, I'm glad to know that Wasatch High School is no longer there for me--I don't think it was "there for me" when I was there.) There was also no entries for coin/change maker thingy or scary-limping guys, but there was one for MONSTER: this represents something we have made larger than life.

See how helpful that was? It's very obvious now what my subconscious was trying to tell me: You need to get focused on enlightenment and its not going to be found in Wasatch High School north hallway. This is very helpful, and I will definitely be crossing off some things on my 'to-do' list. If you would also like this type of saavy dream-interpretation, just post away and I will (free of charge for this week only) interpret your dream.